Today, my parents and I had a nice breakfast together before they headed up to Oregon. I got bacon and eggs while they both grabbed a drink and kept me company. My mother made the remark to me that I looked very tired. I instantly responded, I have been tired for the past four years. My Mom then said to me,
“It’s because you haven’t been able to get settled.”
I have been thinking about that all morning ever since she said it. It is so true. For the past years, honestly ever since I was 16 and we lost our house, I have been moving. The final two years of high school was just a temporary stay so that I could stay and finish in the same school (which I am very thankful for), then my parents moved off to Oregon permanently while I was in college. Every year in college I had a different dorm room so I had to pack up and unpack every new year. In between the years I was back in Oregon in a room that was mine, but not quite home either. You add on my internship and then getting my Masters Degree in D.C. for two years after and I had a few more moves. Then I was back in Oregon for a year and a half and that didn’t write work.
I then came back down to California in October of 2017 and then I stayed for about a year at my family’s place, then my brother’s place, and then one of my old friend’s place. And while I am very thankful for all the support I received from everyone, all of these places weren’t quite the right fit for me.
They were all temporary, and I knew that. I just needed my own place where I could settle down.
Finally, I have my own apartment, where I alone can choose what to do with the furnishings, my hobbies, etc. I have wanted this for a very long time. And I have to tell you,
It feels very nice.
Getting used to living alone will take a little bit of time for me, as I have lived with family and roommates for the last year or so, but I am not stranger to living by myself and soon it will be the norm for me just as it was in the past.
I have already started to get my place settled in and I am so excited for how it will all turn out in the end. I recently purchased the essentials for my place, a desk, a bed, and drawers, but soon I will need to get the next stage of essentials: i.e. art.
The walls are totally barren right now, and thus the place feels really empty and still like nobody lives there. But soon I will get it all set up and it will feel much more cozy and like a place that one can call home.
Hopefully then I will get more rest.
And the key word is rest. It isn’t sleep that I have been missing out on. I have been getting enough of that. It has been rest that I am not getting. It is a subtle distinction but I think it highlights the issue that I have had going on in my life. I have been traveling and moving for so many years and meeting so many people without ever having a place to settle down.
I really think meeting Alice years ago did a number on me subconsciously.
I met this awesome woman and the two of us just hit it off faster than any woman I have ever met. But she was a little older than I was and she was settled in her town of San Luis Obispo in California. I was still pursuing my Masters Degree in Washington D.C. and I had yet to figure out where I was going to live, and further if that was going to ever be on the East Coast or the West Coast.
Everything was up in the air.
And she knew that. Which is why nothing more really came about from that relationship. And I don’t blame her. That is just how it goes. Sometimes you meet people at the wrong time. And that is all there is to it. I often do wish that I could meet up with her again. Who knows, maybe something will happen. Most likely not. And that is okay, that is just how the wind blows.
But at the very least, I finally have my own place. Where I can more settled.