Having an Unadulterated Passion


I know I referenced “adultery” in the title of this post. Talk about old-school click bait practices. Unfortunately that might go over most people’s heads because I don’t think the Bible is any longer on the New York Times Best Sellers List.

Jokes. Zingggg

Anyways about my post today. Recently I have decided to stop trying to “make it” as an internet streamer after my long journey of four years. Now, this doesn’t mean that I am going to stop streaming, rather it means that I am going to stop streaming with the goal of becoming famous and having large numbers of fans.

My last few posts elaborated on why I would not want such a thing as having any level of fame comes with many severe drawbacks. But, today I want to write on how having a true passion, devoid of fame and other responsibilities that come with it after it becomes monetized, is quite nice.

When I do my show just because I want to entertain my fans, that cannot be beat.

I am there live entertaining and conversing with my true fans, the people that have watched me for years through the highs and the lows, and really it is just about friendship.

Here my content is finally pure.

It isn’t about making money, or getting views, or doing any gimmicks to gather further support or ratings. It is 100% about interacting with the fans and doing it for fun.

Many times in the past when I did the show, my content would change due to my other motivators. Maybe I would dress a certain way to get views, or use lots of props, or be really loud, or play certain games, or in worse cases become greedy, and try to shame viewers into supporting me.

There were some bad moments.

But it makes sense. Once you have other motives, namely fame and money, influencing your passion. It changes how you approach it. If you are not careful it can easily taint it. I would argue that I am a decently moral person too. Hell I even have degrees in Philosophy and Theology. I am no stranger to moral arguments and at the very least consciously thinking about what is right and wrong. Yet this didn’t prevent me from taking my stream down some unfortunate paths.

After all, I am human too.

And just like other humans, I can get greedy, and I can be a douchebag. But this also comes with the territory. Once the goal is to make money and get famous, then you necessarily will start operating differently. Sure my show was fun and genuine before those were the direct goals, but maybe doing it that way would never guarantee the success and goals that I was seeking. So I decided to change it up. This often would get me views but often at the expense of changing the quality community I had as well as making my show less fun for me in the long run.

It was no longer about having fun with people that cared to watch me. It was less about a passion and more of a business endeavor.

This got me thinking. Why don’t I just keep streaming a passion of mine and just focus on regular work as my business endeavors? This way I wouldn’t have to worry or focus on money. My job(s) are for that. My show can now just be for fun.

Now this is a big development for me.

Back in the past I have always been very vocal about how I did not just merely stream for fun. I did it because I believed that I could make a living out of it, and that it was fun on top. What could beat that?

But many twitch streamers disagree with me on this point. They believe it should be about fun first, money, fame, and success should just be an effect of a true-natured show. I can surely understand their reasoning here, but I still disagree. If someone wants to make it on their show that is totally fine with me. I don’t think there is anything wrong with having aspirations. Why any twitch streamer does what they do is entirely up to them.

I am not going to make the decision for them, and further say that they are in the wrong for coming to their respective decision as to why they choose to stream.

But I will say, that now that I stream purely for fun, it honestly couldn’t be better.

There is no more stress on my show. It is just for my fun and for my chat’s fun. It doesn’t matter if I don’t get a lot of views, or no tips, or subs, etc. It is all well and good that I just enjoy the stream with those who already care about me.

The stream is finally unadulterated.

I have no other motivators outside of simply wanting to come interact and entertain my fans. As I am now solely focused on my business endeavors for money (which is honestly healthier for both me and for my pockets than relying on twitch money) and coupled with that I am no longer interested in having a large audience, my channel is finally about me being me.

Who cares if I don’t entertain a large crowd? I don’t. I already have my crowd. They are the Cult. And they watch me for me.

Talk about loyal fans.

But it really is nice this way. And it makes me feel very at peace when I do these kinds of streams. Many twitch streamers in the past have always talked about their communities that they built and mine was always a little different. I really do have an interesting mix of people in my channel as over the years I have played many different games, tried many different tactics, and thus my channel reflects that.

I have fans from the Counter-Strike days, the Rainbow Six days, the IRL streams, the SURF streams, The truck sim Streams, Dark Souls, Music, Book Talks, Chess, and more. The people that still watch all come from many different backgrounds associated with my channel, yet they come in to watch me.

And now I can finally give them just me. With no strings attached.

Cheers to making the Cult, a much truer cult.


Keep Smiling,



The Internet is a Monster


When the World Wide Web, or the internet as we popularly know it, was created by Tim Berners-Lee in 1989, it was something that would forever change the course of mankind.

A development of this sort was massive.

And it would take years, if not decades to see the full effects. Even today, 30 years later after its creation we are still seeing new developments.

And they are scary.

When the internet was created it seemed that it would be a good tool for all. An ability for people to connect with one another all over the globe, and quickly too. Not with all the delay and toil that it took to connect via Pen and paper.

At first it seemed good. But then things developed. As the internet has matured many bad things about it have surfaced. There are so many bad (and good things too) to talk about that it is much beyond the scope of the post and the amount of time I have this morning to write as well for me to talk about all of them.

Today I will chiefly write on social media.

I have never been for it. Even as a high schooler I saw the problems with it. When facebook was rolled out everyone made their profiles and added each other and shared photos and comments with each other. It was really fun.

But then within a few months everything changed.

If someone posted a photo but it didn’t get enough likes then that person would delete it. People were now afraid to be themselves. They were creating and editing their profiles in order to socially fit in. In worse cases people started hazing others on the internet. Something that once started out as innocent fun now had been soiled by human nature.

Social Media was being used for bad too.

But that was back in high school, which for me was 2006-2010. The internet has come a very long way since then. Many many more social websites have been developed and further facebook has become such a behemoth that it is almost impossible to not use it. I personally hate facebook, I have no interest in ever using it. I never post on my account and I could care less. I would much rather use my time during my day to actually be social and talk to real people instead of waste my time on my phone.

With that said, I still have a facebook account.

But why? Well, because I have no choice. Too many other applications for my iPhone have been bought out by facebook and require an account to log in. It it almost quite literally impossible to not have one, or else practically nothing on my phone works these days. Further, everyone else uses facebook and I am the outlier by straying from it.

I will not break though.

Quantitative studies have come out too at this point where it has been proven that Social Media usage makes people more depressed than happy: especially the usage of instagram. This is particularly pernicious as instagram is all about having the “perfect life.” Which of course nobody has. But yet so many people worldwide continue to post photos of their lives and notably the best parts about it. In short, if you have a lame instagram it must mean that your life is too.

I say cut the tie, get off of it.

It will honestly make you happier. After all it has been scientifically proven to make humans depressed. Are you any different from other humans? Maybe. But most likely you are not. So why play the game? Is it really worth it?

I say no.

Further, I wouldn’t even stop there. Think about lots of other internet related usages. So many of them also have many bad effects. One that I have been thinking about recently is YouTube and Twitch. As some of you readers know I have been twitch streaming for the past 4 years, often with high ambitions for my channel. But the more I thought about it, especially with some prominent internet celebrities going through things these past weeks, it doesn’t seem worth it to me.

Too often are internet celebrities seriously harassed. Many receive death threats, have stalkers, and especially get Doxxed: dispersing their contact information and addresses out onto the internet. One can quickly see the dangers that can present themselves. Being famous on the internet is not good.

Further, people are always looking to take you down. You say the wrong thing, or it gets taken out of context, and suddenly you are in the middle of an internet firestorm and your reputation could be irreparably damaged.

Make no mistake about it, the internet has created a Global Mob.

This really is one of the most monstrous developments of the internet. Everyone across the world can simply band together and decide to create a coalition against another over often just a simple post or statement. Often, with no context being understood.

And further, there is no longer an opportunity to be an asshole.

People are jerks. I mean that. Myself included. None of us are perfect. We all make mistakes. We all say dumb things. And most of us regret those mistakes. And most of us mature. This is human nature.

But the internet is forever.

It keeps things that were once said in mistake, or in a fit of anger, or due to some other emotion (maybe a tough break-up) up on the internet for all to see forever.

This is not how it should be.

And many people have been ruined today because of something they said on the internet that was not appropriate under the guise of “social justice.”

Sure, some people have been rightly exposed, but how many others have just had the mob unjustly descend on them for something that they did years ago, of which in many cases it was not so serious. Or further, how many people have been ruined because of mere claims that someone made against them.

In this day and age all it takes is for someone to make a claim to ruin them. What ever happened to “innocent until proven guilty?”

Well in this internet age that really doesn’t matter.

The damage is gone immediately and there is no turning back. Once you are a pariah on the internet it stays that way for life. Very few people are vindicated. All that remains is to hide away and try to hopelessly live your ruined life where no one recognizes you and shames you more. Of course that is a tremendous challenge when everyone is a paparazzi armed with their iPhone which is connected to twitter.

You are always one snap or tweet away from drama and potentially worse: social doom.

The internet has done many good things though. I have made many friends, entertained people all around the world, heck one fan of mine (Labanfro from Sweden!) named his kid after me. That sure felt great! Rock on Labanfro! And little Nolan too!

But if I have to look at it objectively. I really do believe that the internet is doing more harm than good currently. The mob is out of control and constant use of the internet, and most definitely internet fame is nothing but a liability.

It really has been a wild resolution for me to arrive at as I have been chasing fame on twitch for years, but now I believe that it is not worth it.

I think I will just stick to my normal life.


Keep Smiling,


Fame Sucks


Something I have really been thinking about a lot this week is how fame really is not that great at all. At first when you think about being famous one would likely tend to think of the good parts. You know the fans, the adulation, and how everyone loves you.

But there is much more to it than that.

Once you get famous not only will people love you, but people will also hate you. A lot of good also comes with a lot of bad. But oddly enough you might not be able to leave your house for the same reason for both opposing camps of people.

People just will not leave you alone.

Your fans that love you will effectively punish you with their love. So much adulation and praise eventually gets repetitive and further it can really make you feel awkward, especially when despite being famous you are at the end of the day a normal person.

Why else do you think billionaires and entertainers and celebrities all hang out with each other?

They are the only people that are on the same level and thus it is not a big deal when they socialize. They are all on the same wavelength and thus they can all relate to each other. You think Lady GaGa freaks out when she meets Mick Jagger?

Probably not.

Do you think Sir Richard Branson freaks out when he meets Warren Buffet or Mark Cuban?

Definitely not.

But it’s not just swarming fans that are the problem. Your personal space is totally invaded forever. Paparazzi is after you for photos at all costs, in fact such that sometimes they will camp out on nearby mountains with telephoto lenses or even in high profile cases hire helicopters to get pictures.

What a life that must be.

Constantly trying to evade crazed fans, thirsty paparazzi, and more on the daily. And speaking of more we have not even gotten to those that hate you. And here I would say are chiefly two groups. First you have the haters who just want you to fall and will work to malign your reputation, and then you have the crazies who will stalk and even murder you.

Just look at John Lennon.

Once you are famous your life is honestly over. You can no longer go out and be a normal person. You can’t eat or sleep even in the same places that you used. You always have to be watching your back. You can’t trust anyone like you used to. Everyone either wants a handout, or a shoutout, or to hurt you.

Life becomes a paranoid existence.

And to top it all off nowadays we live in an awful world dominated by social media. All it takes if for someone to hear you say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing and all of a sudden what you did or said is being broadcast to the whole world via the internet through social media like twitter.

It was bad enough dealing with paparazzi, but now everyone with their iPhone and twitter is a critic. 

Further, you don’t even have to make a mistake necessarily. You might just say something and people hear it out of context. But it will already be too late. Damage may be done, and it may be irreversible. It’s sad how that it is, but we all understand it. People in today’s social media age are so trigger happy to destroy other people’s lives.

It really is sad.

So at the end of all of this. Is fame really worth it? I don’t think so. It seems to me that it really truly sucks. And I find this so interesting to me because for years now I have been trying to effectively become famous via my twitch stream. But recently I have been looking at my life and how I rather enjoy it, especially my day to day just living down in Redondo Beach. I thought about how if I really was famous, especially on the internet which I believe carries a whole new set of fame related issues, I would not be able to continue living the life I currently live.

I would probably have to move, I couldn’t just ride my bike around and hang out with people and certainly my safety and other business ventures may be compromised.

That really doesn’t seem worth it at all.

Honestly for all the famous people out there, I feel for you. It really is not an easy life. And the thing about fame is that you cannot undo it. Once you are famous, that is it. Life is over.

In that respect it’s almost like getting in a terrible accident. Much like your body which might be irreparably recked, so is your reputation and your day to day living.

It’s why Tiger Woods like to be out on his boat.

Good luck to anyone out there reading this that is famous and is dealing with this madness, and if you are a reader that is thinking about being famous, I would recommend thinking twice. I think now I would rather just be rich. That way you can afford all the good things in life, and still be able to enjoy them like a normal person.

That seems like the way to go in my opinion.


Just try not to be famous, and Keep Smiling,



Why is this news?


I realize that I am getting to this post a few days late, but it is something that has been on my mind the past few days and I have just not gotten around to it.

Recently Beto O’Rourke has decided to run for President and already the personal character attacks have begun.

It really didn’t take much time did it.

Now I understand this very well as I have actually worked on political campaigns in the past.

I don’t like it. I believe it is dirty. But I understand that it happens.

When you run for office your name just gets dragged through the mud.

But I have standards. There are some things that are just not news. They simply don’t matter. Chiefly things that politicians did when they were way back in high school. Apparently Beto wrote some literature where he fantasized about running over a child and killing him. Some dark stuff, sure. But you know what?

Why is this news.

We are talking about what a teenager wrote for Christ’s sake. We all know that what people do as children and as teenagers has often little to do with what they do as adults. Hell, how many of us did things that were incredibly stupid or offensive as kids that we never did later on in our life? I would bet that most if not all of us are part of that camp.

I can tell you that I sure was.

Back when I was in high school I was an internet troll. I would say anything and everything just to get people mad! Especially if I had an audience, e.g. friends that I was playing with. I said the N-word, the F-word, and much more just to get a rise out of people. And further, because I was told that I couldn’t.

Now, am I proud of any of this behavior?

Hell no I am not.

And further, I wish I never trolled people like I did. It pisses me off at how stupid I once was because nothing would make me more upset for my name to be dragged through the mud as a “racist” (something I deeply am not) because of insulting things I said through microphone when I was teenager.

I look back at my behavior and see that I was just a tiny, angsty, teen boy trying to get a rise out of people. I look at Beto and see a similar situation. Just a teen going through teenage stuff and being moody.

By the way here is a Pro Tip: If you want a teenager to do something, just tell them that they aren’t allowed to. Then they will surely do it.

When did we lose the ability to grow up? To realize that kids do stupid shit, and I really mean stupid shit. But that is what growing up is about. We can’t and we don’t expect kids to behave appropriately. That is why they are taught and raised so that ideally when they become adults they are good functioning members of society.

We all know this.

This is further proven by the fact that we have an entire separate court system and law for juveniles. It is so obvious that when a child, or a teenager commits a crime or does something wrong that it is far different from when an adult does the same.

And this is because it takes growing up and maturity to make appropriate decisions. 

So why doesn’t the media just leave this shit alone? Why don’t they judge Beto on his politics and his life decisions he has made as an adult? Why must they go after his “troubled” high school years? And further, calling them troubled is likely a stretch. If we look at every single kid in the same light then all of them would be troubled.

Everyone has done something dumb, offensive, immoral, wrong, offensive, etc. at some point.

I don’t care who you are. I know this is true. And if you deny it, well then by God you must be Jesus and I would sure as hell like to meet you and follow you.

Teach me oh wise one.

But spare me the bullshit. We all know we have done dumb things, and especially so when we were young. So the fact that news outlets and people were reporting on stuff about Beto’s childhood really rubbed me the wrong way.

It’s not news. It’s just a really sad character assassination.

Mind you, I am not a Beto fan. I really doubt that I am going to vote for the guy. But I will tell you that I have the decency to smell an unfair character assassination when I see one, and that is the real story here.

Where the hell has American decency gone?

So much of the time what is being written is really not important, and further with these character attacks I would love to see exposes written on the people that write these stories. I bet every one of these writers has done something just as or possibly more fucked up at often times than whatever and whoever they are writing about.

I try not to judge people in general, but especially so when I know that I have made similar mistakes in the past. I try hard to not be a hypocrite. Is that so wrong? It seems that nowadays few people try to do this.

Anyways the whole thing is just so unjust to me.

And look at that. I just did a google search of Beto to make sure I had spelled his name correctly before I posted this blog and apparently there is a new article about how Beto pranked his wife with one of his baby’s turds saying it was an avocado?


This is so inane. It doesn’t matter. Let’s please return to politics, namely the actual issues. Not the things that happen in the bedroom, or in the home, or back in their childhood.

Back to finishing my post. Let people grow up. We don’t need to know about the sins of the past, especially if they weren’t really that bad to ever begin with. Let’s just focus on the issues of the present and further with what people do in their adult lives.

Let’s bring decency back.


Keep Smiling,