Finding Compromise: Revisited


A few days ago I wrote a blog about finding a sort of compromise for my stream. Back then I had decided that I had an idea of how my show was going to go and that I would not compromise other facets for that. Namely, my ability to get really loud. As such, it was almost impossible for me to find a place that work out as everything in the areas I was looking were stacked on top of each other.

The more I thought about it I realized that I needed to compromise my show a little bit. I was so focused on thinking about my ability to get crazy on my show I didn’t think about other aspects.

One major aspect of my show that always has been paramount while I often don’t realize it is my happiness.

SarcasticSatan, one of my long time followers, fan, moderator, and most importantly, friend, pointed it out to me one day. Paraphrasing, he said,

“We can always tell if you are in a good mood when you come to the show. You might think that we don’t know, but we realize if you are in a good place are not. And when you are happy your shows are great and that is why we watch you. But when you aren’t they are rough.”

Ever since I read this I have thought about this more concisoulsy. I need to make sure that I am in the right headspace for my show. And this means being in a living environment where I am happy. And this means that I need my own place. For many years now I have lived with friends, family, and roommates, and while I love them all, it’s like my old flame Alice once told me,

“I just need my own place.”

I will never forget my short lived relationship with her. It was one of those flings that comes straight out of a movie. It was short, and full of emotion, and it was a huge learning experience for me. I am so very thankful for that episode. I hope she is doing well and living life.

Her story of living with roommates and how it just didn’t work and that it was stifling her from getting out there on her own and really being able to live her own life really resonated with me. After all, she told me these stories to me personally as it was just the two of us together in her own apartment. She was about four years older than me and I remember her comment (again paraphrasing),

“In a way my age isn’t that much older than you, but me being almost 28 and you almost 24, so many things are going to happen to you in these next four years of your life where you get out of school and finally are forced to realize what you want to do with your life. It’s going to be a journey and you are going to need to find out what works.”

Just like her, I bounced around a lot in these past years. I went from state to state, job to job, and relationship to relationship. It really has been a lot of ups and downs and gives and takes. But at this point I have found that entertaining and edifying through my twitch stream really is a passion of mine and I want to make this work. And to do so, I need my own place where I can comfortably dedicate myself to pursuing this without feeling like I am burdening anyone else or being brought down by anyone who doesn’t believe in me.

It’s time to step out and work on my passion separately.

And I believe I am ready for this step. I have a job down in the area where I want to live so getting an apartment would be a healthy choice. I’m close to my work and it is an area with lots of little coffee shops and places to walk and meet people like I was able to in D.C. The area where I had been living at recently was nice, but very secluded, and that in the long run is not good for me either as I seriously draw energy from coming into contact with other people.

I am one of those types of people that really needs social interaction.

I know me. I could not live in the middle of Alaska, or in the wilderness. I need to be in a hip, happening place. I just enjoy meeting people so much, to be anywhere else just doesn’t make sense for me.

And besides not only am I able to meet people in a social area, and be able to walk around town, with my own place I never have to worry about the politics of dating with roommates, or worse: with family. I will spare the headaches and that way I will be able to honestly live my own life comfortably.

So now it is off to apartment hunting, but I have seen already a few places that look great. And while I will have to tone down the volume of my show a little bit, that is a compromise I am willing to make knowing that my overall happiness on my show is going to be much higher as I will finally have my own place to call my own.

So cheers to finding compromise: this time revisited.


Keep Smiling,


Going back to Elementary School


Today I was writing fan letters and again, and I looked down at them and I realized, that they really looked like shit. The content is fine, you know, basic heartwarming thanks for supporting me stuff, but as far as the handwriting goes, man chicken scratch is a compliment.

So I thought, why don’t I learn how to write?

And I mean actually write. Apply myself and learn legitimate handwriting skills, namely cursive. After all, I used to be able to do this. Back in elementary school we were taught how to, but as the computer advanced it was more important for us to learn how to type. I even remember hand writing my own papers well passed the years when I was supposedly not allowed to. But it hit a point where teachers said that if I did not type the paper then I would get an automatic zero.

I caved, and I let the computer win.

Until now. With streaming being my utmost passion in my life, and realizing that I have a knack for it, I am committed to making my show work. Thus I write personal handwritten letters to all of my fans that support me financially. It only is fitting. Besides, I want my fans to know that I am truly thankful for their support by thus going above the standards internet thank you message by instead sending them a letter. This is important because unlike a message through my livestream, or an email, or text message, a letter is something tangible. You can hold it, see it, and feel it.

You can put it up on a wall.

It is a something that people can hold onto forever. Something that will persist even after I am long gone, whether that is from streaming, or from this earth. And that gives me peace. Knowing that there will be vestiges of me around. When it comes to computer files and documents, yes they can stay around, but often they get lost, misplaced, or just left unchecked. Letters have a special place in people’s hearts, and often desks.

And especially so in this day and age. Because the computer has totally revolutionized society such to the extent that one cannot get away from them ever at all, letters have become increasingly rare. Thus, their efficacy and power has been greatly multiplied. Back in the day everyone got letters, now you never do. People don’t even send happy birthday cards anymore! It’s just text messages these days.

Cards, and letters have power.

So I send them gleefully! And I love it when people write me back. Unfortunately it doesn’t happen too often which does bum me out a little. I really would have thought that more of my fans would have written me back but only a handful have ever sent me mail. Oh well! Maybe soon it will connect with them and they will realize. After all, I am the same as you reader. I’m not sending letters because I know that it gives you the warm and fuzzies, I am doing it because it gives everyone the warm and fuzzies, including me!

I want some more warm and fuzzies.

Send me a letter! I would absolutely love to read it. And I will write you back, I promise. (Provided there is a return address to write back to.) Send me a letter at PO Box 3794, 955 Deep Valley Drive, Palos Verdes Peninsula CA, 90274. We can be pen pals. I don’t care where you are in the world, I would be happy to write to you.

And even better, the letter from me will be in cursive. That’s right, nice and fancy. Not only are the letters themselves going to be old school, but the way they are written is old school. The only next logical steps I must take is to write with an actual eagle feather and an inkwell, and only on parchment from trees that I myself am cutting down to forge paper.

Okay, now I am getting ridiculous. I won’t be going that far anytime soon. But at least I will write them in cursive and the paper is nice quality. They are most definitely framable.

And cursive has always been a skill that I have wanted to have. The ability to write well speaks volumes to people without even reading the content of the words. Just merely looking at professional handwriting is inspiring in its own right. It’s time for me to put this skill in my backpack. After all, this is the kind of thing I live for. Being as interesting as I possibly can. That is my favorite past-time. To all those people who say that you are a just a run of the mill person, you might be. But that is only if you let them win. If you start applying yourself and learn new techniques and skillsets, soon you can be an extremely interesting person.

And then you can tell them to “go fuck themselves” in cursive.

Oh what a feeling that will be! Well, now I am wrapping this post up so that I may practice my cursive more, it’s a lot of repetition to get this looking good, and honestly there are some letters that I just have forgotten to write entirely so I am almost starting from scratch again. But I won’t let that stop me. Soon enough the blogs will be handwritten!


Keep Smiling and write to me,


Finding Compromise


Today as I write this post I am looking for a new place to live. I have probably about a month maximum left at where I am currently staying and I will need a new place to live. I am grateful for being able to live where I am at currently, but as it is only temporary I need to find something soon. And because the people have been so gracious to me in letting me stay with them on such short notice in the past I really do not want to stay until they kick me out. I would much rather leave ahead of time such that we stay on the best of terms.

But finding a new place to live is proving to be extremely hard.

And this is because of everything that I want and need. First, I am trying to keep costs down, much like most people that are looking for a new place to live. Further, I am looking for something that is free-standing. I know what entertainment works for my twitch stream and that is my ability to get loud. And if I live in an apartment building or a neighborhood where everyone lives every close to each other then it is not going to work. Finding a building that literally has the geographic location and the physical construction so that I can be loud is paramount.

If I live in a place such as this then I have to change my show, which is my utmost passion. This is the entire reason I am down here in Los Angeles and why I am working so hard at this endeavor. I want to make it as an entertainer, and it would hurt me more than anything to know that I have to alter my show, especially from something that has proved itself to work, because I would get complaints.

The other thing that I wish I could have is my own place. I so desperately want to have my own place. Where I get to be the king. Roommates are great and everything, but sometimes it can be difficult because they might want to do one thing and then you want to do something else and since you both pay rent but you both disagree then you are in a predicament. Living on your own fixes that, but often at the cost of much more money.

The one thing that I don’t want to compromise on is my show.

I love it, and I live for it. And the last thing I want to ever do is to lower my entertainment value for my fans. No matter the reason. If that means my living situation won’t work out then I guess I just have to keep on looking.

Then I guess there is moving back to Oregon, but then that has its own problems. I lower my costs significantly and am back with my family but then I have the problems of lack of internet, and further I won’t be around all of my life-long friends that are down here in Los Angeles.

It really is tough to find something that works.

But, I will keep on keeping on. This post is honestly a therapeutic endeavor for me. I’m letting you guys know about the struggle trying to find something that works out, but that I will keep at it. And writing to my fans makes me realize that I must. As I said last night on my show, which was a particularly edifying one, that nothing is more satisfying to me than entertaining and making people smile.

So I will keep at it, and hopefully find something soon. I am truly exploring all possibilities. But, at the end of the day, I will have to compromise on something. I am not going to get everything that I want. That is just not how it is going to work. Something will have to give, but so long as I can get to do my show at its highest entertainment value then I will be satisfied.


Keep Smiling,


Managing Judgement


Today during my morning stream I got to talking about something that is very dear to me. It’s about how in today’s day and age there is this one bit of advice that I hear quite frequently that is just absolutely dangerous. It’s the saying,

“Who cares what other people think, just be yourself and do you.”

This is not good advice. And I will explain why.

Human beings judge. Let me qualify that. Human beings make judgments. Let’s qualify that a little bit more. Human beings make judgment calls. In other words, they observe something, that event causes them to think in a certain way, and then they react by making a subsequent decision.

Do you understand? This is how humans (and other animals as well) naturally behave. Unfortunately we live in a society right now where the word “judge” has a different social and religious meaning. This usage can be a big problem. The word often invokes images of people bashing others for being different, or for not having the right beliefs, or etc. And this is truly unfortunate when people judge people in wrong ways, but I personally find that now the word has a new problem. People use it almost a type of catch-all, get out of jail free card.

“I am just going to do whatever the heck I want and if someone has a problem with me then they are just judging.”

Here is the problem. People judge. What I said before about human being was true thousand years ago, it will be true a thousand years in the future (provided we still exist), and it’s true today.

Based on what we see, smell, hear, taste, touch, i.e. our senses, we make decisions. So if you are someone that lives among other humans, as in society, then I highly encourage that you understand this phenomenon of human behavior.

Get it through your head that people will judge you.

Whether they judge you right or wrong, that is truly immaterial. All you need to understand is that they will judge you. So instead of just saying “I don’t care I’m going to do what I want” I recommend learning how to manage judgments.

Welcome to the new game.

And it’s a hard fucking game. People judge others very quickly. Just based on their ethnicity, hairstyle, clothes, facial expression, the car they drive, their height, their gait (the way they walk), what phone they are using, where they live, where they eat, what music they listen to, what words they speak with, etc.

People judge based on everything.

Once you know this, you can start to see what appearances and traits you have that invoke certain reactions. Then you need to sit back and think, is this the image that I want to put it off? It really seems that people are judging me a lot for this.

Now you have to make a choice.

Do you stay in a position where you get judged a lot? Maybe so. Sometimes people judge for the wrong reasons and you standing up for your personality, or trait, or belief, is important because if no one like you does this, nothing in society will ever change.

But maybe your image is foolish. Maybe you aren’t really proving anything but looking ridiculous, or unapproachable to most people and as such you will find a hard time making friends, getting turned down from jobs, etc.

And again, remember everyone I am not condoning quickly judging people. I’m just telling you how it is. You might hate it that people judge you because you look a certain way or you said a certain thing, but that is just how it is.

You cannot so easily change the world. But you can much more easily change yourself.

And that is what this post is about. Your choices for how you present yourself directly influence the judgments that other people cast on you. Now, you will never get this 100% right, but by being smart and planning you can effectively craft your image in such a way that generally gets favorable judgments from people.

Simple things you can do is take regular showers, (for those of you who laugh at this, I have met many people in my life who have not believed in doing this), take care of your basic hygiene, and dress conservatively.

Let me qualify conservatively. I don’t mean anything political by this statement, I mean the word much more literally, such as wearing clothes that don’t invoke a hyperbolic response. If you wear extremely sexually provocative clothing you are going to get people looking at you in a sexual way, (which can be good or bad – like most things) or if you wear crazy clothes that are something only a rockstar or a crazy person would wear, expect to be treated similarly.

If you are a larger than life individual and you dress in a such a way, that can have a serious advantage. It can impress and attract people. But it also can make people hate you because it may invoke their jealousy or make them feel like you are an asshole.

This is what I am talking about. Being conscious of your appearance. What you wear, how you carry yourself, etc. invokes a certain response from others. And you need to see what works best for you. Maybe you are that type that enjoys a more high-profile look. Me personally, I like being very low-profile. Bill Gates is my idol. To quote Bill Burr,

“Bill Gates looks like he works at a shoe store.”

And Bill truly has a reputation for being a down-to-earth guy, despite being a multi-billionaire. I respect that tremendously. It resonates much more with me, that type of image.

Now, you don’t need to copy that image, that is for some, not for others. My main point of this article is that I want you, reader, to think about your image and how to manage it. I am not encouraging abandoning your identity and changing yourself just to conform to whatever is cool like those sad kids in high school do, but I also am cautioning against buying into the bad soup of the day advice of doing whatever you want without caring about what others think.

Both of those routes are bad choices. Stay in the middle and make a compromise. Find what works with your style personally but that also invokes favorable judgments from others the majority of the time. You will find that your life may be much more livable when you do this. After all, it is quite nice to have positive interactions with the majority of people you interact with. And if you want this to happen you have to in effect play the game a little bit.

Remember: changing others is incredibly difficult and often impossible, but changing yourself is exactly the opposite.

Your life is in your hands, you are in control of it. Other people are in control of theirs, and that is something that you must accept, even if they judge wrongly or are total assholes. You might not like it, but you will have to deal with that.

So I say work on yourself, play the game a little bit, and try to find a healthy compromise where you can manage your image and thus manage their judgments.

Let me know how it goes, and your thoughts on the matter.


Keep Smiling,